cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize