the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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