youre lurking in front of me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
