hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
