I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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