dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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