thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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