did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
