I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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