i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize