Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
