Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What a dumb baby whore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
