Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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