Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
