I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
