my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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