Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
