I wish my penis had an off switch
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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