cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
