oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
