god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
