you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
