I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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