glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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