wrigley field is MILF paradise
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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