he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
God, I missed his penis.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
