your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
