Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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