i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
