she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
