11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
