Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
