I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
even my farts smell like vagina
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
