considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
