Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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