Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize