My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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