Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
