its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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