I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
