matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
