Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
