so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
