I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
