No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
