this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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