Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
