Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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