I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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