The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
