If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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