i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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