just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
