her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
