So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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