i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
time to smoke my breakfast
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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