can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
