I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
