If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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