Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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