Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
