Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize