I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
