I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
