i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
